How To Break Up With Someone

Simple Way To Break Up With Someone

Getting dumped is never fun, but people often tend to forget that initiating the breakup can also be pretty awful. Yes, you’re in control, but that doesn’t leave you immune to guilt, angst, grief, or some deeply unpleasant combo of all the above. After all, you truly cared about this person at one point. Maybe you even loved them. Maybe you still do and even worse than seeing someone important to you get hurt is being the one to intentionally cause that hurt.

To help you through this minefield of a process, the Cut asked therapist Samantha Burns, a licensed mental-health counselor, relationship coach, and author of Breaking Up & Bouncing Back, and clinical social worker and psychotherapist Matt Lundquist, the founder and clinical director of Tribeca Therapy, how to break up with someone as smoothly as possible during every stage — from the moment you decide to end things to the mourning phase that follows the split.

Before the breakup

1. Give yourself and your partner a chance to fix things.

“A breakup should never come out of the blue. Before making a final decision to end the relationship, you should share your concerns or dissatisfactions, and try to work through them as a team. Though the decision to call it quits may not be mutual, it’s your job to communicate and let your partner know how you’re feeling, even if you think this may hurt or disappoint them. I think it’s important to include your partner as much as possible in discussions around your feelings so that a breakup doesn’t take them by surprise, which can be quite traumatic and confusing.”

2. Pick a location.

“If you feel safe with your partner, do it in private where you can take time to talk through it and answer their questions. If you don’t live together, break the news at their place so that you can leave when you’re ready. If your partner is emotionally or physically abusive, consider doing it in public, with a friend nearby, or even over the phone or in a letter depending on your specific situation, prioritizing your safety.”

3. Work out the logistics.

“Many long-term committed couples cohabitate and share finances. If you live together, you should have a plan of where you’ll stay, whether it’s temporarily under the same roof in different rooms, or at a friend or family’s place, and how you’d like to divide your belongings.”

4. Brace yourself for feelings on both sides.

“Be prepared that your partner may be very hurt and in shock and need time and space to process the news and how they’d like to manage communication. You’ll likely get emotional, too. Your partner was your emotional home, the person you depended on, and with whom you shared your life. You likely didn’t make the decision to break up lightly; so don’t doubt your decision just because you miss them or feel lonely at first.”

5. Give your friends a head’s up.

“Let close friends know in advance so that they can be there to support you in the transition. Share it with a couple people whose advice or support you value, especially if talking it through with them gives you clarity. Your support system is the people who will give you love and belonging when you feel lost and alone.”

During the breakup

6. Explain your thinking.

“While you may be the one initiating the breakup, relationships often end when both people are unhappy. Assuming you’re the only one for whom the relationship hasn’t been working can be dismissive.”

7.Start by being straightforward.

“It depends on why you’re ending the relationship, but if you genuinely care about and respect this person, be empathetic and rip off the Band-Aid with a straightforward statement such as, ‘There’s no easy way to do this, and it hurts me to know I’m hurting you, but I need to end this relationship.’”

8. Keep it simple.

“Breakups are not a time to go deep. If you’re leaving a relationship, getting into old hurts and hashing out why things went wrong doesn’t always make sense. You’re leaving, so those thought processes are for your own therapy and reflection on your own time, not for the person you just dumped. Not only is it unfair to get into, but the conditions typically aren’t there for a hard conversation about what exactly went wrong. A simple explanation is best, but remain disciplined about digging into the past.”

9. Explain your thinking.

“The best breakup conversations convey clear reasons why the relationship isn’t working, since the hurt partner may waste a lot of time afterward searching for evidence about what went wrong. Rather than point fingers, try to share from your perspective about how you’re feeling, whether it’s unappreciated, unloved, disconnected, that you have different core values, or want different things out of life.”

10. Be kind.

“Breaking up is a brave thing to do, but being broken up with is harder. Be decent.”

11. Stick to your decision, regardless of how your now-ex responds.

If they beg you to change your mind: “Someone shouldn’t have to beg or convince you to love them or be with them. A breakup can be confusing when there’s not necessarily something wrong that you can put your finger on, or if it’s just a feeling. Trust yourself that in the right relationship, your head and heart will agree and you won’t have to choose between them.”

If they get angry: “Remember that only you can control your behaviors and emotional responses. Commit to staying calm and realize that anger is a secondary emotion, usually masking hurt, pain, and rejection. After you say what you need to say, if they lash out, remove yourself from the situation, with the option to have a final closure conversation when they’ve cooled off.”

If they get sad: “You can make an empathetic comment, such as, ‘I know this is really hard on you, and that it’s not what you want to hear. I’m so sorry to hurt you,’ but don’t leave the breakup up for debate. Being wishy-washy may give your partner false hope that they can convince you to stay.”

If they promise to change: “This is a common reaction to a breakup: Your partner will make promises, whether it’s to change, go to therapy, or do whatever you want to make it work. However, these types of changes should have already been discussed before you actually made the decision to break up.”

After the breakup

12. Tell your friends and family ASAP.

“I highly recommend sharing the news relatively quickly with your inner circle. A common symptom of a breakup is feelings of loneliness and isolation, so quality time and phone calls with your breakup buds will help you feel connected.”

13. Explain your thinking.

“One of the trickiest parts of a breakup is that they’re emotionally tough, but the person you’ve gone to for help during hard times — even if it wasn’t working — is now the person you’ve just ended things with. Seeking support from (or giving support to) a new ex tends not to be that helpful in the end and should be off limits.”

14. Prioritize your physical and emotional health.

“The most important coping skills involve managing your physiological needs for proper sleep, diet, and exercise, as well as quality time with supportive friends. You may also want some time to yourself to cry it out. Just don’t self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, rebound intimacy, stalking your ex on social media, or frequently contacting them.”

15. Make a game plan for social media.

“If it’s an amicable breakup, you may want to agree on a day to change your relationship status, so it gives you both time to share the news with friends and family before they see it publicly. After this, you may want to block/remove/unfriend for now, since no one successfully goes from lovers to friends overnight, and remind yourself you can always add them back when and if you’re ready for a platonic friendship. Consider deleting images and saving them to a flash drive that you can put out of sight and out of mind.”

16.  If you’re having second thoughts, give yourself time to know for sure.

“Regretting the breakup is different than missing your ex. It’s normal to miss someone who was a huge part of your life. But regret suggests you realized you made a big mistake, or the circumstances around the breakup have changed — maybe you’d no longer have to do long-distance, or one person is better able to prioritize the relationship. If you regret the decision, it may be worth it to have a conversation with your ex, but I’d wait at least three months post-breakup to make sure these feelings don’t pass. And be prepared to discuss what would be different.”

How to break up with someone you love

Breaking up with someone you love is a challenging and emotional experience. Here are some steps to help you navigate this difficult process with sensitivity and respect:

1. Reflect on Your Decision

• Be Certain: Ensure that breaking up is the right decision. Consider the reasons and if they are insurmountable.
• Think About Timing: Choose a time when both of you are calm and can have a private, uninterrupted conversation.

2. Prepare for the Conversation

• Plan What to Say: Outline your thoughts to express yourself clearly and gently.
• Be Honest but Kind: Focus on your feelings and reasons without blaming or criticizing your partner.

Anticipate Reactions: Be prepared for a range of emotions from your partner, including sadness, anger, or disbelief.

3. Have the Conversation in Person

• Face-to-Face: Whenever possible, have the conversation in person to show respect and empathy.
• Choose the Right Setting: Pick a neutral and private place where you can talk openly and honestly.

4. During the Conversation

1. Be Direct but Compassionate: Get to the point without dragging it out, but ensure you are empathetic.
   Use “I” Statements: Frame your reasons from your perspective to avoid sounding accusatory (e.g., “I feel we are growing apart” instead of “You never listen to me”).
2. Listen Actively: Give your partner a chance to express their feelings and listen without interrupting.

5. After the Conversation

• Give Space: Allow your partner time and space to process the breakup.
• Set Boundaries: Discuss how to handle future interactions, whether it’s no contact for a while or transitioning to a different type of relationship, if both parties are open to it.

6. Take Care of Yourself

• Seek Support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your feelings.
• Allow Yourself to Grieve: It’s normal to feel sad and experience a range of emotions. Give yourself time to heal.
• Engage in Self-Care: Focus on activities that make you happy and help you relax.

Tips for a Respectful Breakup

• Avoid Digital Breakups: Unless absolutely necessary, avoid breaking up over text, email, or phone.
• Be Clear and Final: Avoid giving false hope. Be clear that the relationship is ending.
• Maintain Respect: Speak kindly and avoid bringing up past grievances in a hurtful way.

Things to Avoid

• Public Breakups: Do not break up in public places to avoid adding unnecessary stress.
• Ambiguity: Avoid being vague about your reasons. Clear communication helps both parties move on.
• Delay: Procrastinating the breakup can make things harder for both of you.

Breaking up is never easy, especially when you still have strong feelings for the person. By handling the situation with care and respect, you can make the process a little less painful for both you and your partner.

How to break up with someone you live with

Breaking up with someone you live with adds an extra layer of complexity due to the shared living arrangements. Here are some steps to help navigate this difficult situation:

1. Reflect and Prepare

• Be Certain: Make sure breaking up is what you truly want. Consider the reasons carefully.
• Plan Ahead: Think about the logistics of moving out or dividing shared belongings.

2. Find the Right Time and Place

• Choose a Calm Moment: Pick a time when neither of you is rushed or stressed.
• Private Setting: Ensure privacy to allow for an open and honest conversation without interruptions.

3. Prepare What to Say

• Be Honest and Clear: Clearly articulate your reasons for the breakup, focusing on your feelings and the relationship’s dynamics rather than your partner’s faults.
• Plan for Practicalities: Think about immediate living arrangements and how you will handle the transition.

4. Have the Conversation

• Direct but Compassionate: Be straightforward but kind. Avoid being vague to prevent misunderstandings.
• Use “I” Statements: Express your feelings and reasons using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory (e.g., “I feel that we have grown apart”).
• Listen and Acknowledge: Allow your partner to express their feelings and acknowledge their emotions.

5. Discuss Living Arrangements

Immediate Plan: Decide who will move out and when. If necessary, discuss temporary arrangements until a more permanent solution is found.
Divide Responsibilities: Discuss how to handle shared expenses, lease agreements, and household tasks during the transition period.

6. After the Conversation

• Give Space: Allow time for both of you to process the breakup. Physical space can help with emotional healing.
• Set Boundaries: Agree on boundaries for living together temporarily and interactions post-breakup.

7. Plan the Move

• Coordinate Moving Out: Decide on a timeline for moving out. If possible, do it in stages to reduce stress.
• Get Help: Enlist friends or family to help with the move and provide emotional support.

8. Take Care of Yourself

• Emotional Support: Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist.
• Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote your well-being and help you process the breakup.

Tips for a Smooth Transition

• Remain Respectful: Maintain respect and civility during and after the breakup to ease the transition.
• Clear Communication: Keep lines of communication open regarding practical matters, but avoid rehashing emotional issues.
• Professional Help: If needed, consider mediation for dividing possessions or handling lease agreements.

Things to Avoid

• Procrastinating: Delaying the conversation will only make the situation more difficult.
• Blame Game: Avoid placing blame or bringing up past grievances during the breakup conversation.
• Public Breakup: Have the conversation in a private setting, not in public or in front of others.

Breaking up with someone you live with is a delicate process that requires thoughtful planning and compassion. By handling the situation with care, you can minimize the emotional and logistical challenges for both parties involved.

How to know when to break up with someone

Deciding when to break up with someone can be a difficult and complex process. Here are some key signs and considerations to help you determine if it might be time to end the relationship:

1. Lack of Mutual Respect and Support

• Disrespect: Consistent disrespect, belittling, or dismissive behavior can erode the foundation of a healthy relationship.
• Lack of Support: If your partner doesn’t support your goals, dreams, or well-being, it can lead to feelings of isolation and dissatisfaction.

2. Frequent and Unresolved Conflicts

• Constant Arguing: If you find yourselves arguing frequently without resolving the issues, it may indicate deeper incompatibilities.
• Unresolved Issues: Persistent, unresolved conflicts that recur can signify fundamental differences that are hard to overcome.

3. Emotional or Physical Abuse

• Abuse: Any form of emotional abuse, physical, intimacy, or psychological, is a clear sign that the relationship is unhealthy and unsafe.

4. Loss of Trust

• Betrayal: Repeated betrayals or infidelity can break the trust necessary for a healthy relationship.
• Dishonesty: Persistent lying or secrecy can erode the trust and intimacy between partners.

5. Different Life Goals and Values

• Incompatible Goals: If your life goals or values are significantly different and you cannot find a compromise, it may be a sign to reconsider the relationship.
• Future Aspirations: Major disagreements about important aspects like marriage, children, or career paths can create insurmountable conflicts.

6. Lack of Emotional Connection

• Emotional Distance: Feeling emotionally disconnected, lonely, or unfulfilled in the relationship is a strong indicator that something is wrong.
• Loss of Intimacy: A significant decline in emotional and physical intimacy can signal underlying issues.

7. Personal Growth and Well-being

• Hindrance to Growth: If the relationship is preventing you from growing or achieving your personal goals, it may be time to move on.
• Mental Health: Feeling consistently unhappy, anxious, or depressed due to the relationship is a serious concern.

8. Negative Impact on Daily Life

• Constant Stress: If the relationship is a constant source of stress and negatively impacts your daily life, it may be time to evaluate its worth.
• Energy Drain: Feeling drained and exhausted by the relationship rather than energized and supported is a red flag.

9. Advice from Trusted Friends and Family

• Outside Perspective: Sometimes, trusted friends and family can see things more clearly and their concerns or advice can be valuable.

10. Intuition and Gut Feeling

Inner Voice: Trust your intuition. If you have a persistent feeling that something isn’t right, it’s worth exploring those feelings further.
Steps to Consider Before Making the Decision

Open Communication: Have an honest conversation with your partner about your concerns.
Counseling: Consider couples therapy to address and resolve issues with professional guidance.

Time Apart: Taking a break to reflect on the relationship and your feelings can provide clarity.
Breaking up is never easy, but recognizing these signs can help you make an informed and thoughtful decision about your relationship. It’s important to prioritize your well-being and happiness in the process.

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